365 days.

today is may 29, 2012.
it's officially been a year since the passing of my grandfather.
i keep telling myself that i'm good - that i'm way over it.

but i probably have been lying to myself for the past 365 days.

to make this pretty clear, i've never lost anyone that was so close to me, so spare me. i've never cried for anyone for over a span of a year, except for my own sorrows or mistakes. and i don't think i expected myself to be this sensitive.

there are moments right before i call it a day, where the memories of my grandpa nest in my thoughts.
i don't think there's anyone who showed me love better than anyone ever did, even when i had that phase where i couldn't care less about him.

he would take me horse riding, even when there was little for him to spare for me. and he wouldn't just do it once.
he would bring my favorite snack from the market, and double the amount of what i could possibly swallow in one day.
he would buy my favourite fruits every time i came to visit, and when i finish them he's always ready to take me out for more.
he would drive to wherever i wanted, even when he was already on the verge of being unable to drive.
he would sacrifice his time, and health (i am not proud of this) to ride a roller coaster with me because i didn't want to ride it alone.
and lastly, he would gather all his strength just to stand, when he was ill, as i leave the house.

those sound extremely spoiled, but i really do miss him. i miss his stories, i miss helping him mark his physics papers, i miss his laughter, i miss the way he says my name, i miss him honking every second while he drives and i miss writing him letters telling him how he's much better than my grandma.
he was one of the greatest people i've ever known in my life, and he still is.

one of the best decisions of my life was spending time with him before he was gone, and taking the opportunity to see him.
but of course, the sinking feeling still haunts me when i realize that i couldn't do anything for his funeral.
everything still haunts me now and then.

to sum it all up, i really think that i just miss being spoiled, and showered with love.
i did change ever since i found out that he was sick, and that was 2 years ago. and, i don't think i've changed for the better, entirely.
i don't know what sick psychological theory this might be, but it's making me cringe all the time.
and it's making me question myself because i have a fantastic boyfriend who would do all these things for me.

so, this is a note to self that i will try my hardest best to be who i was 2 years ago; a more positive, and a whole lot better person.
of course it won't be easy, but it's all baby steps.

i want to find something to be proud of, and be completely free of what is chaining me to this abyss.